I'd seen her site on the World Wide Wait. I ordered one of hertapes. I got it, I listened to it. It had flaws, but they were very minor.I listened to the tape, or rather disc, as I had transferred it to disc toclean it up. I listened to it again, and again. This was something Iwanted, wanted so much. I enjoyed the sound of her voice, telling me torelax and go into deep hypnosis for her. I enjoyed the floating, relaxedfeelings. Sometimes I'd play it and not remember parts of it, I'd just fadeout; that was wonderful.
Still, I felt as if something were missing; like I wasn't getting*there*, wherever that was. We exchanged emails; I need to get rid of that*try* word -- it's a stumbling block. I listened to it again and again,relaxing, and just letting it happen. That's it, I told myself, let go,relax, and just let things happen.
Still that doubt; am I *there* yet? I'm looking for that sign,something, anything that I can point to that tells me: yes, I've beenthere; yes, I've been deeply hypnotized.
More emails, and we scheduled a phone session. Or rather, tried.There's that "try" again, but this time, as it usually does, "try" means"fail." I thought we had a schedule; she didn't. It's not important now. Atthe time, it was a big deal; I was apprehensive to start with, and notgetting through was extremely frustrating. And that showed me just how hardI was pushing, driving, trying.
I remember Tuesday morning, still quite upset from Monday night,walking around fuming. Then something wonderful happened; my memory snuckup behind me and kicked me in the ass, hard. I started laughing, at me. Ishould know better.
A memory from my undergrad days in college, from a rainy winterafternoon with my yoga/meditation teacher and lover: there in her smallroom, sitting on her floor, a stick of incense burning in the holdersitting off to one side. I'm struggling with things, putting so much effortinto things. She points to the smoke wafting up from the incense and tellsme intently "Catch the smoke, catch the smoke." I reach for it with myhands, *trying* to grasp it, hold it, clutch it. After a while, she laughsgently and takes my hands, leading me back to a sitting position closer toher. As she held my hands, she looked in my eyes with her wonderful smile,a soft radiant look on her face. "That's not how you do it. Close youreyes. Relax. Take a deep breath. Exhale. Take a deep breath. Exhale. Relax.See? You relax and the smoke catches you."
I said it to her many years ago, I said it a few days ago, I say itagain now, and every time I say it I say it with a smile, for I should knowbetter: Thank you, this is a very hard lesson to learn.
And so it still is. I relaxed; I listened to the tape again, andagain, relaxing and just letting happen whatever happened. We scheduledanother phone session for Friday night.
An hour before, I was nervous, apprehensive. I still *wanted* thisvery much. Why? Part of me knows this doesn't help, but it's hard to getpast it. I listened to the tape again, then spent some time on the floorstretching, relaxing, breathing. It helped. I was relaxed.
When my hand touched the phone to pick it up and dial, my pulseprobably jumped 15 points. I laughed at myself and put the phone down,closed my eyes, and heard her voice in my mind saying, as I had heard hervoice saying so many times before "Relax..." A few long, deep breathshelped.
I dialed and we spoke. We talked for a few minutes. Part of my mindis asking: Should I have turned out the lights? Should I have done this?Should I have done that? Is this going to work?
We start: her wonderful voice tells me to take a deep breath andexhale. I focus on her words, on my breath. Just her words and my breath. Afew minutes later I hear the next door neighbors screaming and cursing ateach other. Focus on her words, on the breath. The screaming and cursingcontinues until one of them gets in a car and squeals off.
Back to her words, the breath. Relax. I want this so much; it'shard for me to let go. As we continue, I relax, her voice is soothing,comforting. I feel as if I'm getting *there*.
Too soon it's over. I feel relaxed; I've made progress. It has beenworth while. I still don't have my sign, the indication that I've been*there*, that I've been deeply hypnotized. "6" is still the same to me asit was before, even when I listen to her tape, her wonderful voice again.It's a little easier now to relax, let her voice wash over me, saying"Relax... and go into deep hypnosis for me." and I exhale and let go of thetension. I still want it.
We had a couple more phone sessions, each one better than the onebefore. I'm still looking for that sign, hung up on that sign.
I had a two day conference in Orange County, the Irvine area.Amazingly, we were able to set up a meeting. I suggested the carousel atSouth Coast Plaza; I was meeting and staying near there. I'd grown up inthat area, and still remember picking green beans and eating them right offthe vine. The lot where I did that so many years ago now has a very talloffice building on it. I like the green beans better, and told the officebuilding that as I drove by.
I parked my rental car about ten to five; I sat for a coupleminutes, eyes closed, breathing deep, listening to her voice in my headagain, letting go and relaxing. Let go of "want", let go of "try", justrelax and be here.
I was still apprehensive as I walked in the door. I was carrying ayellow rose, and would recognize her the same way. I walked to thecarousel, breathing deeply, slowly.
I saw her sitting in a glider off to the side of the carousel.After listening to someone's voice for perhaps hundreds of hours, lettinggo to that voice, *wanting* so much to give yourself to that voice, youform images in your mind of who that person might be. She was nothing likethat, and so much more.
I sat beside her; we shook hands. I thanked her again for findingthe time to meet with me. We talked. Her smile is wonderful. The first timethe glider we were sitting in rocked back and forth I was momentarilydizzy; I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. It was like a dream cometrue, rocking back and forth, hearing her voice. I felt one of her hands onmy back; it sent a tingle through me and I took a deeper breath.
She said "Good...I want you to relax..." and spoke to me softly,guiding my breathing and relaxation. It felt so wonderful; soon I wasfloating, so comfortable, so relaxed.
Then she asked me to open my eyes. I did and looked at her. Shesmiled at me. "Take a deep breath for me." I did. She raised her hand andtouched my forehead. "Relax and go into deep hypnosis for me."
The air left me and my eyes closed; all the tension went out of me.I was so relaxed, so comfortable listening to her voice and rocking slowlyback and forth. My body faded; the world faded. There was only her voice.
I remember her voice; I remember answering questions and talking toher. I remember opening my eyes, seeing only her. She spoke again, and myeyes closed, and I returned to that wonderful place.
And then I opened my eyes, and I'm sitting in my rental car. Nextto me on the seat is a tape, with a note wrapped around it.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I hear her voice again inmy mind, saying "Relax..." and enjoy feeling the world spin. I laughed,softly. I have my sign.