The Sign

I'd seen her site on the World Wide Wait. I ordered one of her tapes. I got it, I listened to it. It had flaws, but they were very minor. I listened to the tape, or rather disc, as I had transferred it to disc to clean it up. I listened to it again, and again. This was something I wanted, wanted so much. I enjoyed the sound of her voice, telling me to relax and go into deep hypnosis for her. I enjoyed the floating, relaxed feelings. Sometimes I'd play it and not remember parts of it, I'd just fade out; that was wonderful.

Still, I felt as if something were missing; like I wasn't getting *there*, wherever that was. We exchanged emails; I need to get rid of that *try* word -- it's a stumbling block. I listened to it again and again, relaxing, and just letting it happen. That's it, I told myself, let go, relax, and just let things happen.

Still that doubt; am I *there* yet? I'm looking for that sign, something, anything that I can point to that tells me: yes, I've been there; yes, I've been deeply hypnotized.

More emails, and we scheduled a phone session. Or rather, tried. There's that "try" again, but this time, as it usually does, "try" means "fail." I thought we had a schedule; she didn't. It's not important now. At the time, it was a big deal; I was apprehensive to start with, and not getting through was extremely frustrating. And that showed me just how hard I was pushing, driving, trying.

I remember Tuesday morning, still quite upset from Monday night, walking around fuming. Then something wonderful happened; my memory snuck up behind me and kicked me in the ass, hard. I started laughing, at me. I should know better.

A memory from my undergrad days in college, from a rainy winter afternoon with my yoga/meditation teacher and lover: there in her small room, sitting on her floor, a stick of incense burning in the holder sitting off to one side. I'm struggling with things, putting so much effort into things. She points to the smoke wafting up from the incense and tells me intently "Catch the smoke, catch the smoke." I reach for it with my hands, *trying* to grasp it, hold it, clutch it. After a while, she laughs gently and takes my hands, leading me back to a sitting position closer to her. As she held my hands, she looked in my eyes with her wonderful smile, a soft radiant look on her face. "That's not how you do it. Close your eyes. Relax. Take a deep breath. Exhale. Take a deep breath. Exhale. Relax. See? You relax and the smoke catches you."

I said it to her many years ago, I said it a few days ago, I say it again now, and every time I say it I say it with a smile, for I should know better: Thank you, this is a very hard lesson to learn.

And so it still is. I relaxed; I listened to the tape again, and again, relaxing and just letting happen whatever happened. We scheduled another phone session for Friday night.

An hour before, I was nervous, apprehensive. I still *wanted* this very much. Why? Part of me knows this doesn't help, but it's hard to get past it. I listened to the tape again, then spent some time on the floor stretching, relaxing, breathing. It helped. I was relaxed.

When my hand touched the phone to pick it up and dial, my pulse probably jumped 15 points. I laughed at myself and put the phone down, closed my eyes, and heard her voice in my mind saying, as I had heard her voice saying so many times before "Relax..." A few long, deep breaths helped.

I dialed and we spoke. We talked for a few minutes. Part of my mind is asking: Should I have turned out the lights? Should I have done this? Should I have done that? Is this going to work?

We start: her wonderful voice tells me to take a deep breath and exhale. I focus on her words, on my breath. Just her words and my breath. A few minutes later I hear the next door neighbors screaming and cursing at each other. Focus on her words, on the breath. The screaming and cursing continues until one of them gets in a car and squeals off.

Back to her words, the breath. Relax. I want this so much; it's hard for me to let go. As we continue, I relax, her voice is soothing, comforting. I feel as if I'm getting *there*.

Too soon it's over. I feel relaxed; I've made progress. It has been worth while. I still don't have my sign, the indication that I've been *there*, that I've been deeply hypnotized. "6" is still the same to me as it was before, even when I listen to her tape, her wonderful voice again. It's a little easier now to relax, let her voice wash over me, saying "Relax... and go into deep hypnosis for me." and I exhale and let go of the tension. I still want it.

We had a couple more phone sessions, each one better than the one before. I'm still looking for that sign, hung up on that sign.

I had a two day conference in Orange County, the Irvine area. Amazingly, we were able to set up a meeting. I suggested the carousel at South Coast Plaza; I was meeting and staying near there. I'd grown up in that area, and still remember picking green beans and eating them right off the vine. The lot where I did that so many years ago now has a very tall office building on it. I like the green beans better, and told the office building that as I drove by.

I parked my rental car about ten to five; I sat for a couple minutes, eyes closed, breathing deep, listening to her voice in my head again, letting go and relaxing. Let go of "want", let go of "try", just relax and be here.

I was still apprehensive as I walked in the door. I was carrying a yellow rose, and would recognize her the same way. I walked to the carousel, breathing deeply, slowly.

I saw her sitting in a glider off to the side of the carousel. After listening to someone's voice for perhaps hundreds of hours, letting go to that voice, *wanting* so much to give yourself to that voice, you form images in your mind of who that person might be. She was nothing like that, and so much more.

I sat beside her; we shook hands. I thanked her again for finding the time to meet with me. We talked. Her smile is wonderful. The first time the glider we were sitting in rocked back and forth I was momentarily dizzy; I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. It was like a dream come true, rocking back and forth, hearing her voice. I felt one of her hands on my back; it sent a tingle through me and I took a deeper breath.

She said "Good...I want you to relax..." and spoke to me softly, guiding my breathing and relaxation. It felt so wonderful; soon I was floating, so comfortable, so relaxed.

Then she asked me to open my eyes. I did and looked at her. She smiled at me. "Take a deep breath for me." I did. She raised her hand and touched my forehead. "Relax and go into deep hypnosis for me."

The air left me and my eyes closed; all the tension went out of me. I was so relaxed, so comfortable listening to her voice and rocking slowly back and forth. My body faded; the world faded. There was only her voice.

I remember her voice; I remember answering questions and talking to her. I remember opening my eyes, seeing only her. She spoke again, and my eyes closed, and I returned to that wonderful place.

And then I opened my eyes, and I'm sitting in my rental car. Next to me on the seat is a tape, with a note wrapped around it.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I hear her voice again in my mind, saying "Relax..." and enjoy feeling the world spin. I laughed, softly. I have my sign.

FINI